My friends and I were bored during the Vice Presidential Debate, and spent all of our time coming up with politically savvy Mean Girls quotes. I mean you're welcome.
Syria, you can't sit with us!!
Iran - you don't even go here!
Egypt bought guns and ousted their leadership, so Libya bought guns and ousted their leadership.
Israel - made out with a hotdog.
Thailand, step away from the underage girls...
Iraq is a grotsky little biotch.
Check out North Korea's warheads, they're hard as rocks!
Is Sweden's muffin buttered? Would Sweden like us to assign someone to butter its muffin?
South Africa, stop trying to make apartheid happen. It's *not* going to happen!
China, I'm sorry for calling you a gap-toothed bitch. It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed.
Most people think Peru is lying about having trade sanctions because she has a lot of ports and dams but she can't help it if she has a heavy flow through the wide-set Amazon.
I hear Japan does car commercials. *IN* Japan.
That's why Brazil's rainforest is so big...*whispers* it's full of secrets.
South Africa, I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at the World Peace Summit. *beat* And I'm sorry for telling everyone about it. *beat* And I'm sorry for repeating it now.
Wow, France, you've truly outgayed yourself.
Raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by Pakistan.
You know who's looking fine tonight? Canada.
Albania: Hungary, you've been acting really stuck-up ever since you switched to NATO and Yugoslavia agrees with me.
Yugoslavia: don't drag me into this, I'm ethnic cleansing tomorrow.
And on the third day, God created the United States of America, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.
Iran: If you're from the United States then why are you gay...
Pakistan: Oh my god Iran you can't just ask people why they're gay!
Russia: That one there, that's Poland. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet. Germany sat next to her in English last year.
Germany: She asked me how to spell "orange".
Did Colombia ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?
United States to Mexico: (oh no, hear it comes, word vomit) Guatemala's cheating on you with Colombia!!!
That little one? That's Kuwait. She's totally rich because her dad invented oil derricks.
France: I'm sorry that everyone's jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm so popular.
Greece: why are you using austerity?
Italy: My economy is booming.
Greece: man, I hate that stuff. Spain makes us use it when we want to move up a credit class.
Italy: motherpffft AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Great Britain: America is gonna have a party and not invite me?? Who does she think she is?? I like invented her!!!
Oh, no, you can't like the Czech Republic! That's Slovakia's ex-boyfriend.
Netherlands: Just want you to know, if you need anything, don't be shy, OK? There are no rules in this house. I'm not like a regular country. I'm a cool country. Right, Belgium?
Belgium: Please stop talking.
If only you knew how mean Costa Rica really is... You'd know that I'm not allowed to develop ecotourism, right? Yeah! Two years ago she told me zip lines through the jungle were *her* thing and I wasn't allowed to build them anymore. And then for Hannukah Great Britain and France got me this pair of really expensive white gold zip lines and I had to pretend like I didn't even like them and... it was so sad. And you know she cheats onNicaragua? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with Panama in the projection room above the auditorium! I never told anybody that because I am *such* a good friend!
Cuba to Dominican Republic: God! See, at least me and America know we're mean! You try to act so innocent like, "Oh, I use to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys!"
America: Huh, wow, thanks, um, well, half the people in this room are mad at me and the other half only like me because they think I killed Osama bin Laden, so that's not good. To all the countries whose feelings got hurt by the war in Afghanistan, I'm really sorry. You know I've never been to one of these things before and when I think about how many people wanted this, and how many people cried over it and stuff, I mean, I think everybody looks great tonight. Look at India, that Taj Mahal is amazing and France that Eiffel Tower must have taken hours and it looks really pretty.
Let me tell you something about Cuba. We were best friends in the 1800's. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in the mid-1900's, I started going out with my first boyfriend Joseph McCarthy, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Cuba was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow Cuba off to hang out with him, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-democracy Trade Council, I was like, "Cuba, I can't invite you, because I think you're a Communist." I mean I couldn't have a Communist at my party. There were gonna be Capitalists there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? Cuba was a COMMUNIST. So then Russia called Great Britain and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then Cuba dropped out of NATO because no one would talk to her, and when she came back in the fall for the UN, all of her trade was embargoed and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.
And evil takes a human form in America. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she's so much more than that.
Sorry, Somalia only carries sizes 1, 3, and 5. You could try Romania.
Switzerland to America: See? That's the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Ukraine, for example, he broke up with Russia and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Russia, America? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize.
Why should America get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What's so great about America? Hm? Canada is just as cute as America. 'K, Canada is just as smart as America. People totally like Canada just as much as they like America. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that's not what the United Nations is about. We should totally just stab America!
Romney, stop trying to make Russia happen. It's *not* going to happen!
About Italy: I have this theory, that if you cut off all her Alps she'd look like a boot kicking a soccer ball.
Great Britain: where's Cuba?
France: she's trading with America.
Great Britain: she's under an embargo.
France: are they not allowed to trade when they're under an embargo?
America: [after cutting out Japan] What's up?
Philippines: Can I help you?
America: You Chinese?
Philippines: Filipino.
America: I feel that.
Oh my god Tunisia, I love your flag. Where did you get it?
Oh, it was the Ottoman Empire's in 1844.
Vintage so adorable! That is the ugliest f-ing flag I've ever seen.
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