Who Holds Your Dreams?

Part 1 – Even Christians Miss it Sometimes

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD (Isaiah 55:8)

Over the past few weeks I’ve been mulling over that ever so difficult concept of giving my dreams completely over to God. This is nothing new for any follower of Christ, in my opinion it is the single most difficult challenge for a person of faith. Chances are you have discussed this with Bible study group or some close friends, and pastors often expound upon the true meaning of surrender. We sip on our lattes, exchange compassionate facial expressions over bites of pastry, and inevitably end these conversations with the trite and overused phrase “I’m really just, giving it over to God you know? I have no control over (Issue A) so all I can do is rely on Him.”

Those two sentences are complete and utter garbage, volatile and defeating to the Word of God.

The issue is not about a lack of control. If anything, we have far too much control over every single aspect of our lives. How many flavor, milk, and other options did you have for the espresso-based beverage you just consumed? For that matter, how many coffee shops did you have to choose from? Citizens of any Western civilization enjoy an unprecedented amount of control over every part of their lives, they are indoctrinated with the values of freedom and independence from an early age, and every commercial device is designed to free the consumer in one way or another. Freedom from wires, freedom from bad phone reception, freedom from chemicals in food. It’s all too much to take in and yet we cannot stop ourselves from chasing the next fad.

Interlude – He Threw a Chair at Me, I Couldn’t Love Him More

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

During my time at Kiddie Prep School I spent about three years working with one particular student, who I’ll refer to as Jeff. When Jeff started at KPS he was about 7 years old and by the time I left he was 9. Jeff came from a broken home, suffered emotional abuse, and was overweight; three major strikes against him in a middle-class, two-parent classroom full of little league stars. He had a difficult time adapting to his new environment and some of the mistakes he made early on followed him throughout his time there. Kids didn’t want to sit with Jeff on field trips or play with him in the classroom and this served to exacerbate the temper and fear he was already struggling with; and once Jeff got worked up it was impossible to calm him down until it occurred naturally. Every time a new year began my director would ask if I wanted a new classroom and every time I opted to stick with that kid.

On one particular occasion things escalated so quickly that when I got in between Jeff and another child he threw a chair at me. Needless to say, the poor kid ended up in the office with the KPS Director having a lengthy conversation. From my secondhand information I know that during the dialogue she asked Jeff what he would like to be when he grows up and Jeff told her that he wants to be a teacher. Her response was something to the effect of “what kind of teacher?” and he said “a teacher like Mr. Colin.” She then asked him, “what makes you think you’d like to do that, why do you want to do what Mr. Colin does?” Jeff looked her in the eyes and said “because I know that no matter how many times I make mistakes Mr. Colin doesn’t think I’m a bad kid and he will always love me.”

That is 100% of the reason why I want to teach. The fact that I managed to express God’s unconditional love to even one person makes me feel simultaneously incredible and unworthy.

Part 2 – The Crux of the Matter

But each person is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust (James 1:14)

Let me tell you about one of my friends, I’ll call her Jennifer. Recently, Jennifer has been in an off-and-on dating relationship that is straining her faith. At one point in our most recent conversation she said this about the relationship dynamic: “I’m just so tired of being alone. I’ve done this for three years, he’s only done it for a little while, and he just doesn’t get how lonely that is.” Usually I’m a sympathetic, overly generous friend but in that moment God put a challenge in my mind and I asked her “what will you do if God never allows you to marry and have children because He has other dreams for you? When you strip away every desire in your heart and the only things left standing are you and God, what does your faith look like?” What I love about Jennifer is that honesty flows from her lips with every phrase. Her response was simply “I don’t know, Colin. I would be really, really angry with Him and I just don’t know if I could recover from that.”

How many of us can give a different answer to that question, and why is it so hard to blindly trust in the dreams God has for us? I feel it’s because we have too much control over our lives. Want a boyfriend or girlfriend? Get on a dating website or download an app for a quick and easy experience (intentional innuendo). Dissatisfied with your job? Update that LinkedIn profile and employers will be nibbling in no time. 9 o’clock too early to get up for church? 10:45? Noon? No problem, you don’t even need to leave the house just listen online when you can! “The iGod 6, now on YOUR time!” The problem is that we have so much control over the things we don’t even need to think about—such as food, coffee, and clothing—that we cannot give up control over the important things.

This sets us up to fail at trusting God because the moment we decide that we’ve been waiting too long for a dream we can go and pursue it. After putting in a job application or sending the first message to a prospective date it’s easy to say “well I just have to give this over to God now, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Well you know what you already did about it? You spent hours obsessing over every detail of your profile to make sure it was perfect, you had your best friend read over the application, and you asked your Dad how long you should wait before messaging that OkCupid guy a second time. 90% of the work is done and now you want to “give it over to God” for the other 10.

If James defines temptation as being carried away by our lustful desires, and sin results from giving into temptation, then the logical conclusion is that we sin when we take even a fraction of the control away from God. What does this look like in real life? Allow me to give you an example from my own life. I have wanted to be a father ever since I learned what a father is, it is the single most overwhelming desire in my heart. My brother even jokes that he has an easier time picturing me with my kids than picturing me married. The former desire outweighs the latter but I don’t feel that a single-parent home is best for my kids, and finding one person to share that family and spiritual journey with is a close runner-up. I trust in God’s plan but I’m 29 and these dreams haven’t come any closer to fruition. The desire to at least have a dating relationship is so overwhelming that it can carry me away from God’s control and onto dating websites, apps, or even into bars. How is that not a sin? Am I sleeping around? No. Am I going on a lot of dates? Hardly. But seeking out those desires is placing trust in my own control and not God’s, a terrible betrayal. Much like Jennifer, I think of not having the dreams I want and the sorrow seems unbearable.

Interlude – I’m Late, You Want to Promote Me?

Reproach has broken my heart and I am so sick; And I looked for sympathy, but there was none, And for comforters, but I found none (Psalms 69:20)

This past December I overslept one fateful Friday and was 30 minutes late to a company meeting for Longe, the optical group I worked for. It was not the first time this had occurred and I wasn’t surprised when our Director of Human Resources called me later that afternoon. Her usually chipper demeanor had been replaced by cold disappointment that I could feel through the receiver. Rather than lecturing me she simply said “we really need you to step it up because you’re going to be one of our district managers someday.” This should have come across as a stern declaration of faith in my abilities but the person who immediately came to mind was Jeff and I thought “oh my God, I’m never going to see my kids again. I’ll never enter a classroom again because I’ll be working here.” I started bawling into the phone, which the Director took as shame over having failed the company. I never told her it was brokenness over seeing a dream die right in front of me.

Part 3 – You Can’t Tell Me What to Do

For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, He has rejected you as king (1 Samuel 15:23)

After my epiphany on the phone my first instinct was to start grad school right away, find a new job, and remove myself from the environment I was in. The only problem was that I didn’t feel God directing me on any particular path. In fact, I distinctly heard Him telling me to stay at Longe and challenging me to create blessings within that situation. So being the faithful person I am, I took Him at His word and diligently applied myself to the situation at hand, learning so much about myself and His plan. Scratch that, I was pissed off and I ignored what God was telling me because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I applied to three grad programs within two weeks and sent my resume to prospective employers. I went to New Orleans on a vacation and got drunk for the first time in years, then did it again the next day, and then a third. The final night was the worst and I woke up the following morning with nothing but an overwhelming shame in my soul. Much like a toddler I had thrown a fit, kicking and screaming over what I wanted, and carried out that tantrum until I ran out of energy and was finally ready to listen.

Returning from that vacation I resolved to spend time with God every day before work and again on my lunch. The hope was that if I couldn’t leave my situation I would at least gain some reprieve during moments with my Creator. My heart began to feel lighter but I was still struggling to create blessings in the workplace. Then one day I was perusing my bookshelf and came across a book I haven’t read in a long time, Brother Lawrence’s fantastic epistle The Practice of the Presence of God. The purpose of his letters was to encourage their recipients not to worry about the work they did but to work in everything for God. Little by little things became a bit easier for me. I would stop at the doorframe and ask God to bless my intentions before entering, I placed sticky notes at co-workers desks encouraging and uplifting them, I took a greater interest in serving patients who couldn’t afford to spend as much money. The job itself wasn’t becoming enjoyable but my heart was rising above the work to find serenity in God.

During one Sunday School class I mentioned my dislike of the job to a friend and commented that I’d rather be working with children because that’s what I love to do. Her response to me was “if it’s what you love to do then why do you need to get paid for it? Start volunteering.” The solution was simple but for some reason it had never crossed my mind, probably because I was still focused on the limits created by my job rather than the freedoms I enjoyed. The question I needed to ask God was not “when will I have these dreams fulfilled” but rather “what does being childless, single, and completely unattached to my job allow me to do for You? How do I use this immense freedom that I may never have again?” I took her advice and ran with it, walking into Cedarville Elementary School the next day to say “here I am, where do you need me?”

Part 4 – Dreams Restored

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11)

The experience was life changing. I found myself working with a speech-language pathologist, helping her to create a more organized filing structure, assisting children with their speech development, and contributing to something greater than myself once more. I can’t say enough about the woman I worked with and how much life God spoke into me through her words. My Mondays at school became the highlight of my week and the fulfillment I found there enabled me to improve my performance at work, increasing my sales and passing my board examination with flying colors. I confessed to God that teaching was still my first passion and admitted that it would always have a place in my heart, and asked Him if it was okay to find graduate education that would allow me to work with Longe during classes.

He gave me the okay and it’s amazing how quickly things fell into place. I headed to Ball State one morning with the intention of applying but as I neared the exit for Upland, Indiana I felt God telling me to stop in at Taylor University. Thankfully I listened this time and within half an hour I was meeting with the director of their Transition to Teaching program and she told me that I could start within the week if I wanted to. No transcripts, no resume, sight unseen, but this woman felt God telling her to let me in. In the interest of ethics I will say that during the application process my qualifications were deemed to be more than satisfactory, but she knew God’s purpose before I even began.

Fast forward to this fall, and I have accepted a position with the same elementary school I volunteered at and am dropping my employment at Longe down to Saturdays only. The new job pretty much fell into my lap without me pursuing it and everything has worked to serve my development as an educator. Classroom observations will be readily available, my education will be funded to an extent, and I will be developing classroom skills every day. I wonder if this is how the nation of Israel felt as they rebuilt the walls of Jerusalem under God’s protection? Despite the restoration of a dream I still want to work with Longe at least once a week because I have come to love the dream He had for me there, the work of creating blessings for those around me. None of us deserve to have God prove that His dreams are best for us, we should simply accept them in blind faith, but I am grateful that I have this experience to reflect on when it comes to the bigger dreams in my heart. In HOPE I will rely on him more each day, giving Him the control even though I could have it for myself.

Reading:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/practice-of-the-presence-of-god-brother-lawrence/1100416915?ean=9780800785994

Soundtrack:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPtIv2lnkTY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ylZio1uJRw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6smGew7dGto

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-w_Car6634